Are You Nice To You?

Are You Nice To You?

Don't build self-esteem—work on self-compassion

You messed up at work, had yet another argument with your partner, and caught a glimpse of yourself in a store window and were shocked by how old and tired—and frighteningly like Dame Edna—you looked. What's the best route out of the depths of self-recrimination and despair and back to happyland?

For starters, stop beating yourself up, says Kristin Neff, PhD, associate professor in human development and culture at the University of Texas at Austin. "Instead of taking a cold stiff-upper-lip approach in tough times, practice self-kindness for soothing, comfort, and happiness."

Emotional Health

Don't embark on a self-esteem-building mission, however. That'll just backfire. "Focusing on self-esteem means that underneath it all, you think you're not OK just as you are. That's not going to make you happy," says Dr. Neff, who is the author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind.

What will work: being your own BFF. "In 10 years, a lot of research has revealed that being good to your imperfect, all-too-human self creates lasting, measurable happiness," says Dr. Neff. Women are very skilled at showing compassion toward children, partners, and friends but tend to be stingy with kindness when it comes to themselves, she says: "A lot of women worry that being self-compassionate will make them lazy. In fact, it's just the opposite. Self-compassion helps you stick with healthy habits, work harder to reach your goals, and even improve your closest relationships." (How healthy are your friendships? Find out with our quiz!)

Rate Your NQ

The first step toward self-compassion: Rate your inner nastiness quotient with Dr. Neff's scientifically validated self-compassion quiz. (Find the long version at self-compassion.org.) This miniquiz gives you a taste of where you stand in terms of self-kindness, awareness of your inner critic, and realization that you're not the only imperfect person on the planet. For each statement below, rate how often you behave this way on a scale of 1 (almost never) to 5 (almost always).

___ 1. When I'm in emotional pain, I try to be loving toward myself.

___ 2. When I'm feeling low, I try to approach my feelings with curiosity and openness.

___ 3. When I'm down and out, I remind myself that lots of other people in the world feel like I do.

The closer your score is to 15, the more you're practicing self-compassion; the closer to a rock-bottom 3, the more you'll benefit from the following exercises.

Write yourself a short, kind letter daily for 1 week. Think about something that's bothering you, and spend 5 to 15 minutes writing about it in the same way you'd support a friend. In a 2010 study from York University in Toronto, people who did this experienced less depression for 3 months and greater happiness for 6 months.

Befriend your inner critic, paying attention to your self-talk. Don't berate your critic—thank her for trying to help, and explain that she's causing distress instead. Over time, replace critical messages with supportive ones. Nix You loser, you ate all the cookies again. Replace it with I know you ate the whole bagful because you're stressed out. But you're still tense. How about a walk instead?

"Studies show that self-compassion can help you avoid overeating, stick with an exercise routine, and work harder after a setback," Dr. Neff says.

Link  http://www.prevention.com/mind-body/emotional-health/how-build-self-compassion